A little background: I have been struggling about being alone. Now, Now- before you (by you I mean the one or two people who will ever read this) start to tell me that I am never alone....hear me out. I have always been part of a huge family. When I was growing up, our house was filled with people. When I picture the front of my parent's house, I mainly see lots of cars filling the driveway and street. It was such a blessing that all my parent's 6 children and their kids lived in the same town.
A fear has filled my heart ever since Clay and I moved to Winston-Salem last summer . I am the only one that doesn't live in Florida. I am the only one that doesn't go to the birthday parties and the volleyball games. I am the only one not in the annual Thanksgiving Day picture. I am out of the loop. Stinks, right? But here is what really stinks...that is not the fear.
Since I have moved there are only 2 people that I have stayed in touch with- my sister and best friend CJ, and my mom (also my best friend.) If you would have asked me before we moved, I would have said that is what would happen....so not a big shocker there. What has crept up on me is the fact that my family is changing and will continue to change and I won't be there to change with it....I will just be a part of the 'family that was...'
What will happen when my parent's are gone? There I said it. My biggest fear. I love these dear two people for a million reasons. The first is that they gave up so much to adopt me. They gave me a great big family. They taught me about Jesus. They taught me how to be humble. They taught me how to be funny. They taught me what is most important. And they taught me all these things by showing me. I cannot even begin to imagine how much the deepest parts of my heart will hurt when I don't have them. They were God's first love letter to me. I got to live through a life that reflected His Redemption and Sovereignty. My parent's keep me connected with everyone else. I am scared of losing all my family when I lose them. I don't know if I could make it through that.
We have been blessed by our church families loving us sooo well and inviting us into their lives and families this past year. Most of the time, this is just what I need to feel connected and part of that big family that is what I love and long to be a part of. But then another fear creeps in....
What happens if we have to go to a new church? (not now Rhoda...one fear at a time) Anyways, my fear is that one day when I have to grieve the loss of my parents, I will also have to grieve the loss of the family that they gave me.
My goals are to:
-grow closer with my Savior and learn what He wants me to learn about Him through this
-call my family members more and try to stay connected regardless of the distance
-rest in the truth that God put us here and He will provide everything and everyone we need
-cherish every moment that I have with my family now
-hope that one day God might bless Clay and I with a big family
The best part is that we will all be together with Jesus one day- that makes me smile.
5 comments:
Katie!
First, I LOVE you! What a precious, sweet person you are! I love you so much and am proud to call you my sister. I am so thankful for who you are and for the family that you grew up in. What a blessing for you and CJ to be a part of that family. The beautiful thing about close families is that you can just pick up where you left off...like you have never been away. It is hard to be away for the traditions and the day to day goings on...we experience that being so far away from Neil's family & all the cousins. But when we are together again, it is like heaven. We appreciate and love them so much.
Secondly, I love reading your blog. It is so real! It almost makes me want to start writing on mine (almost!) I never quite find the time!
Again, I am so proud to be connected to you - even though it is through a way that you'd rather forget. I love you so much!
Love,
Trisha
Thanks Trisha!
Ilove you so much and think about you and Neil all the time. I never ever think of my connection with you or Melanie in a sad way. Giving me the best sisters in the world was the best thing he has ever done!
Katie,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. We all miss you and Clay very much. Our get togethers are not the same without you. Just so you don't feel so left out, I can't remember the last time that everyone could make it to one of the family parties. And they even live in town. As God directs our paths,we may be taken away from one another physically, but we are always close in our hearts. As for your fear about mom and dad, I share that with you. They seem to be the glue that bonds us all together. It will be my mission that dad's icecream day message will continue and we will remain close even as the family dynamics change. I love you and know that you and Clay will continue the legacy that IS our family.
Susan
You have no idea how great that made me feel Susan. I am so thankful that God gave me the best sisters in the world!
So, not gonna lie, I actually teared up a little after reading those comments and the blog...yea, yea, I know this was like, ages ago, but I just read this for the first time cause I saw where my mom was following you. I guess I was really able to connect because I have been thinking about all my fears recently, and not only that but also the thought of being left out from all the family functions with me living in Nashville now. I see people commenting on Kaycee's wall about her moving and congrats and this and that...and still don't even know all the details. All my family info comes to me now though my facebook homepage, haha. Well anyway, I just wanted to comment and say you aren't the only one with fears out there, which I know you know, but, still nice to hear every now and again. I hope all is well for you over there in NC!! I love you!
-Amy
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